Spring Break is in the air and this is the time of year when I get to turn over my column to those future world leaders who visit my internet message board. Of course, most of these questions are directed to other spring breakers -- not to me -- but this is a minor detail and eavesdropping is such good fun....

As in years past, you have to wade through the garbage to get to the gems. The usual gay bashing, macho posturing and swaggering braggadocio is once again all too evident, with most of the messages going something like this:

Hey! I'm a studly football player/sexy cheerleader and me and my crew are going to be partying on Padre this spring. Just wanted to know if any sexy cheerleaders/studly football players want to get drunk and crazy with us. Also can I get away with using a fake ID and by the way does anyone know if MTV is coming this year? See u there!

Now, if I were the tough, studly, flame-proof chick I always wanted to be, I would respond with something like, Hey! Yes, there is a good chance "U" will see me here (mostly because "I" can't afford to leave town for a month) and "I" will transform myself into your spring break nightmare if "I" see "U" peeing in the parking lots, puking in the flower beds or endangering my friend's job by trying to pass a fake ID. MTV? Who cares? Unless you are one of those poor deluded sods who confuse Real World with real life...

But I am not that studly chick - just a humble sand castle wizard - and I would never have the courage to actually write anything like that, of course.

At the risk of sounding as pathetically desperate as the rest of the guys on this board, are there any older women (22-23) on here that are looking to play some volleyball??

This message caught my eye. I was at first encouraged by the writer's astute observations -- and then slapped back down by his definition of "older women." Older than what? I ask. Yesterday's news? Cheap wine? Shirley Temple in her prime? Puh-leeeze!

There are four of us guys ready to party and get wild and "jiggy wit it". We are agile, mobile, and hostile and will party accordingly. Alright ladies, who wants to play in the BIG GAME?

Boy, I can already see the line forming....

Speaking of lines, the following is bound to be a winner:

I know for sure when I go to SPI this year that I will accomplish a goal that I always dreamed of saying to a beautiful girl as an opening line: God, you're pretty, wanna (do that thing that Bill didn't do with Monica) ??!!!

Okay, so I had to edit this one a little so as not to damage any delicate sensibilities. Some unsolicited advice here, dude: Buy her a cocktail! Ask her to dance! Check and make sure she has a compatible sign, for cryin' out loud.

An interesting little drama played itself out in this year's message board. A football player from OK started a majorly flirtatious thread that had the girls lining up to leave him e-mail addresses. Then a couple of days ago he wrote that he and his buds had gotten a good deal on a condo in Daytona and would not be coming to SPI after all. You could almost hear little coed hearts breaking all over the country. One woman wrote back:

I went to Daytona last year and it was horrible!! I hated it!! It was cold, the beaches are nasty and the people there are downright rude!!!

So tell us how you really feel.

Then finally, an honest plea for help:

Me and my boyfriend are going to SPI this spring but he is 50 pounds overweight and when he takes his shirt off at the beach it is embarrassing for me, what should I do? I need to hear from other girls on this one!

Honey, my advice is to leave flabby boy at home. Forget the weight thing - it is totally irrelevant to the real problem here, which is the "boyfriend" part. You should never ever attend spring break with a steady squeeze, even if he is a gorgeous hunk. Especially if he is a gorgeous hunk! If your love is real, it will survive a week's separation, but odds are it will never survive a shared spring break. Trust me on this: ship him off to ... Daytona! with the guys! and hit Padre with your girlfriends. You will have fun, anyway.

Feet's Totally Non-Scientific Just For Fun Net Poll Results -- My latest question tackled the ticklish issue of a Schlitterbahn Water Park moving onto the southern part of the Island ... and the results were: Keep Schlitterbahn out - 17 votes (74%); and Welcome Schlitterbahn - 6 votes (26%). Thanks to all 22 surfers who participated (and the one lady who felt strongly enough about it to send me her opinion via snail-mail.)

Sandy Asks: The subject of my current question focuses on a lighter topic -- spring break: What is your LEAST favorite thing about it? A) The noise B) The old people telling me to turn it down C) The traffic D) The bikinis E) Everything F) The fact that it ends. Vote today at http://spionline.com/polls.html .